I have never been particularly social, I have always been a bit odd and gone my own way, however when I shared the idea for my silence experiment with my family and friends I got more strange looks than was usual, even for one of my ideas.  72 hours of silence.  No eating, no sleeping, no talking, no music, no radio, no reading, no writing, just silent existence.  I had hoped that by doing this experiment I would develop a closer and more intimate relationship with my own mind and heart.  I feel like I succeeded in that.  

I was living with my sister and her husband at the time, they had gone away for the weekend and I felt that to be the perfect opportunity to complete my experiment.  I let my friends and family know that I would be out of contact for the weekend as texting would not be allowed.  I finished work on the Thursday before my three day weekend and made my final cup of tea, called my mother and texted my best friend that I would miss him before I began at 10pm.  The first night was easy and simple enough.  I tidied my room, re-organized my closet, dusted my books, then moved on to cleaning more of the house after I realized those activities had only taken two hours and how much time I truly had ahead of me.  

I cleaned into the early hours of the morning and while already a bit hungry and tired was mentally still well.  I had not yet delved into my mind any more than the everyday overthinking.  Being at home alone, the quiet and my silence was not odd and to my disappointment I did not feel challenged, as I had hoped to be.  Sure, I’d wanted to text my friends and family but not doing so wasn’t as difficult as I had thought it would be.  I decided to venture outside.

I went to the only place where I thought the noise and crowds would be a challenge not to participate in, the Mall.  I sat on chairs and benches in various sections of it and people-watched, I shopped a little, not speaking was difficult but only because it had made me seem and feel really quite rude to the shoppers and workers around me but I did my best to communicate non-verbally my thanks or apologies.  When I got home and after putting away my newly purchased clothes, I went back out for a walk.  It was short, the freezing December air was a bit more than my tired and hungry body was up for.  It was 2pm, I was only 16 hours in, I started to think this would be quite difficult after all.  I went up to my bedroom and determined not to fall asleep, sat up in my bed and thought.  I thought about why I was doing this, was I trying to be odd, trying to be different? Maybe, maybe a bit but not mostly, I wanted to see if without distraction, without other people or things in my head I could feel better.  Better about myself.  So, I thought about myself, what I liked, what I hated about me.  I thought about why and how or if I could change the things I felt I needed to.  I thought about the past and the future, my family and my friends.  I cried.  I came up with ideas and plans.  I felt better, capable and full of potential.  It was 9pm.  I had sat in my bed crying and thinking and remembering for 7 hours.  

I started organizing the pantry, a gargantuan task.  At 10pm, 24 hours into my experiment, I took a picture of myself on my phone.  I looked not bad, tired and a bit sweaty but otherwise fine.  The pantry organization expanded into that of the kitchen cupboards and the fridge.  All the while I was thinking, thinking about how I can be better, how I am worth something, and wondering if anyone missed me back.  The tasks were completed around 4am.  I took a long, hot bath and then a long, hot shower.  At 6am I was back in my bed, trying to think more positively about myself and less about my past mistakes and current inadequacies.  Or my hunger and sleepiness.  I needed to think of more things to do.  I played my favorite movie in my head, I remembered it extremely well when given the time and opportunity to play the whole thing out.  I thought about my favorite books.  I practiced saying the alphabet backwards in my head.  I sat in bed and meditated and was pleased to achieve a deep and thoughtless state of relaxation faster and longer than I ever had before, I’m 99% sure I hadn’t fallen asleep.  

It was noon and I went for a drive, the radio off, the quiet was the most piercing in my car.  I decided to go back to the mall and start my Christmas shopping.  I would not have time like this again to get so many errands completed.  A Saturday in early December saw the mall jam packed.  I did my best to avoid running into or getting in the way of anyone I wouldn’t be able to apologize to.  I felt guilty again that I was unable to say please or thank you to the cashiers in the stores where I made purchases.  But no one seemed to mind much or even really notice my silence in the hustle and bustle.  

It was 8pm when I arrived back home, exhausted and famished, I unloaded my car and cleared off the dining room table to start wrapping gifts.  I finished just before 10pm and got ready to take my 48 hour photo.  I looked pale, tired, my skin was oddly shiny and I looked a bit sad.  I was missing my friends, my family.  I felt as though I had so many things to tell them.  My throat felt odd, I worried some times that my voice might be gone when I tried to use it again, even though I knew how silly that was.  I had 24 hours to go.  They were the hardest.

I took another long shower, decided to dry and curl my hair, did and undid and redid my makeup a few times, experimenting and learning.  I painted my nails and toenails.  Took off my makeup again and did a face mask before putting makeup back on.  I was struggling to pass the time now.  My thoughts were extremely negative.  I had allowed them to spiral down into a pit that found me ugly, worthless, stupid, and lonely.  I was convinced that I was not missed by anyone, no one noticed or cared that I was here silent and hungry and tired and alone.  They were probably happy to not have to listen to me or be near me.  I cried, I thought about running away, I thought about dying.  I thought like this until the sun rose again and in the light of day, my last day of silence I didn’t feel as bad.  I bundled up in boots and my sister’s warmest winter jacket and wandered a few minutes away to the park by the manmade lake by the house.  I watched the sunrise and remembered that if the people I loved, the people that loved me heard what I was saying to and about myself they would be angry, and hurt.  The sunrise was beautiful and I still remember the brilliance of the colors, it was the best sunrise I have ever seen.  

I took a very hot bath when I got back home and put true effort into turning my thoughts around.  I thought about my experiences with my friends and family and how it didn’t seem like they didn’t care about me or want me around.  I was sure they missed me too, though not as much, but given that it had only been a couple days and that they had the entire world as a distraction, that was okay.  I meditated again and afterwards I felt lighter, almost happy, I felt like I had struggled through a deep valley of my own mind, I had battled old and lasting fears and insecurities and learned something about myself.  I learned that I would be okay, I would be okay if I had to go it alone.  But I probably wouldn’t have to.  I could trust other people and it would be okay.  I didn’t need to force loneliness upon myself out of fear of rejection.  I needed the people around me and that was a good thing.  

I started deep cleaning the bathroom and was able to keep my thoughts positive, pleasantly with less effort than normal and was suddenly bursting with excitement when the door downstairs opened.  My sister and her husband were home.  I ran downstairs, sweaty and wearing cleaning gloves and hugged her tightly.  She asked if I was still doing my “weird, silent thing”.  I nodded and she rolled her eyes and said okay.  After she had taken off her jacket and my brother-in-law was taking their bags upstairs, I took off my cleaning gloves and gestured for her to go into the kitchen and see all that I had done.  She seemed very pleased and thanked me, she commented that I looked horrible and should get some sleep.  I shook my head and was already getting frustrated at being unable to tell her about my weekend.  It was 10am and I still had 12 hours left to go.

When her husband returned we all sat on the couches and they told me about their trip to the mountains.  It was delightful to hear a story, to listen to people talking.  I had forgotten how much I loved listening and thought to myself that that was a good quality I had, I was just disappointed I couldn’t ask any questions to keep them talking longer.  My sister decided it was a good time to put up the Christmas tree and although she outwardly thought my experiment silly and strange, she didn’t put on Christmas music as she always had for decorating as she knew it was against my rules to listen to music.  Her husband seemed a bit confused and disinterested in what I was trying to achieve and mostly ignored it, though not in an unkind way.  

Once the tree was decked out, I retrieved my cleaning gloves from the kitchen and went back to the upstairs bathroom to finish the deep clean.  After that one, I moved on to the downstairs bathroom and then went to dust the basement.  When I felt as though I had cleaned every single thing I could in the house it was 4pm and my sister was starting dinner.  I couldn’t stand the delicious smells and so I escaped to the garage to clean the only thing left, my car.  By the time I had vacuumed and scrubbed every inch inside, it was 8pm.  I was almost there.  I showered for as long as I could, thinking about all the people I wanted to talk to, all the things I wanted to say, the things I wanted to watch, the things I wanted to eat.  And finally, to sleep.

I still had an hour to wait once I had dressed after the shower.  I meditated once more and realized that I would miss it.  Never in my life had I felt like I had nothing but time.  It was 5 minutes to 10pm and when I went down to the kitchen I saw that my sister was making me an omelet to be ready right away once I could eat again.  When the microwave clock said it was time I took my picture of myself, I looked a bit haunted but also glowing.  

I thanked my sister out loud for my omelet and was surprised that my voice sounded exactly the same as it always had.  I ate too quickly and developed hiccups.  I laughed with my sister and told her about my silent adventures and asked her the questions about her trip that I had wanted to ask earlier.  When I took my phone off airplane mode, I called my Mom.  I had only received a few text messages, I didn’t text many people to begin with and everyone that would talk to me knew what I was doing.  I had recieved a few texts from my best friend telling me that he missed me.  I responded that I had missed him too.  That I would see him the next day and I would tell him all about it but that I needed sleep.

I slept about 8 hours and then had to go back to work.  I shared my experience with whoever seemed interested, though not many people were.  It felt nice to be back to normal but I felt a pang of loss, I would miss the depth of that kind of solitude, that kind of time to try and grow.  I will try another silence one day.  I think longer but with less restrictions.  Sleeping and eating will likely be allowed as thinking back, I don’t feel like those help my journey more than they were just there to be challenging.  In the end, I felt like I really achieved something, I feel stronger and better for having done it and excited to try more experiments.  To grow and to heal.